Cleaned and re-synced by Tronar
Did you expect the race to be this tight, Al?
You know, Bob, I did.
Dislodging a powerful,
entrenched incumbent is never easy.
It's like... it's like scraping a deer tick off your leg.
Those suckers hold on for dear life.
So you're comparing Senator Laffer to a deer tick?
No, but I think you just did.
Excuse me for a minute, Bob.
- That you, Les? - You cocksucker.
I'm gonna kick your ass in.
Something wrong, Les?
I knew you were fucking her. I knew it.
I should've blown your head off
when I found you two in the pool.
- Now let's talk this over, Les. - Too late, asshole.
I'm gonna cut your balls off and stuff them down your throat.
Really? That sounds like a death threat, Les.
You're goddamn right it's a death threat.
I'm gonna rip your head off.
Copy that.
Just so we're all clear on the...
Death threat thing.
So overnight, three different Nevada polls
have Al Hickok surging in the Senate Race...
Against Louis Laffer, the incumbent.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised with that new line:
"I'll stand my ground in Washington, too."
powerful message these days.
Uh, guys, he killed a man.
Well, I mean, let's not be too technical,
- but he killed three men. - Yeah.
I mean, he actually killed the burglar...
Yeah.
He killed the friend in the hunting accident.
Yeah, this one felt sketchier, though, totally.
Yeah, either way, Laffer's actually the one in trouble now.
I cannot catch a break.
Just as I'm pulling ahead,
he snipes a guy at 300 yards on live television.
That's just outright pandering.
Why don't people see that?
Well, it is compelling TV, sir.
People are comparing it to Breaking Bad.
Great. Like being in the shit was chopped liver.
- Good morning, sir. - What's good about it?
The shooting is no longer trending up on Twitter.
It's still the number-one topic, but it's losing altitude.
What's going on in my office?
Looks like Mardi Gras in there.
The disgruntled showgirls, sir.
They made an appointment.
We just didn't know they'd show up in costume.
Disgruntled showgirls, huh?
And they come into my house looking like that?
I'll handle this.
I'm a professional.
Good morning, Tess.
Good morning, Senator.
Eek.
Oh, hey, Tess, you want to know
why the South lost the civil war?
Sure, Senator.
Why'd the South lose the civil war?
Ah, Captain Montgomery, would you be so kind
as to convey my respects to General Beauville
and kindly request that he deploy
a brace of artillery pieces on Yonder Ridge
so as to better rake the enemy position
should the enemy elect to attack from the...
Ah, never mind. Here they come.
What's going on in the dining room today?
Oh... It's Arizona day, sir.
Arizona? Oh!
That means the food will be almost Mexican.
Please book me a table at 1:00.
Yes, sir. Will you be dining alone?
I will be dining alone, Tess,
since I find I'm surprisingly good company lately.
Probably since I started recognizing myself again.
Yeah, welcome back, sir.
I, for one, have missed you.
You should've said something earlier, girl.
- Yes, sir. - Oh!
We are at a perilous moment here, ladies.
In Las Vegas, showgirls are essential workers,
almost like flight controllers.
A strike would cripple the city
and send a fragile economy splashing into the toilet.
We cannot allow that.
Are those things hard to balance?
Oh, very. They can weigh up to 22 pounds.
- Good lord! - Mm-hmm.
And you do this on what, 3-inch heels?
Yes, sir.
I actually brought a complete costume
for your office to examine. The bag, honey.
This is what we are required to work in.
It's excruciating, Senator.
Please, for me, take a look at this under-bust.
That is steel boning.
Steel boning. So that's how they do it.
Do you know we have to make nine costume changes a night
in under three minutes a change?
And then they force us to re-audition two times a year.
And then any woman under 5'8" is discriminated against.
So why are you here, Tommy?
You've got no dog in this fight.
I don't mean "dog" in the sense of an unattractive woman,
- of course. - Of course.
I meant like an actual dog fight.
Right.
But not literally, because dog fighting is illegal.
Senator, local 226 of the culinary workers
wants to show solidarity with our dancing sisters.
Do you know how much these performers earn per show?
$25?
56.75.
So, over twice what someone might guess.
Impressive.
Well, it's actually not, Senator.
A lot of us are on food stamps.
Why? It doesn't look like you eat anything at all.
The point is, Senator, my people are willing to walk
if management doesn't sit down with the girls.
And as you know, sir, if 226 goes out,
the casinos go dark.
See how much the Watt brothers enjoy that.
And you mention the Watt brothers why?
Because they own your ass. Don't they, Senator?
"Own" is a strong word, Tommy.
So is "ass".
Meeting's over.
Senator.
Julie, find out if the Watt brothers are still in town.
Yes, sir.
Senator Guzman, what a surprise.
Yes.
But not really, because I'm here all the time.
I'm just not on your schedule.
- Is that Andy? - It is, Ms. de Portago.
Have him wait. I'm not ready.
Ready for what? I'm the one being photographed.
Vanity fair.
Cover.
It's amazing what not flinching
in front of a crashing arc light
will do for your career.
I owe that gaffer a lot.
Perhaps you'd be more comfortable waiting
in the reception room, Senator.
What's the problem here, Benny?
Senator?
I mean, you seem more disdainful than usual,
and that's saying a lot.
Let me ask you a question, Senator.
That photo you used in your speech the other night,
the one of immigrants being sworn in,
how did you come by it?
It's Adriana's.
It was just... It's right... right...
Right here?
Yeah. It's...
It's your picture?
Yes.
And these are my parents,
the ones you said so closely resembled your own.
That's awkward.
All immigrant families have their own stories,
but we don't all lie about them.
We don't change them to make a humbler,
more compelling narrative.
When I first heard you speak at the 2008 convention,
I said to myself, that man is inauthentic.
I had no idea just how right I was.
I'm sensing drama out there.
What are you two talking about?
Family.
Oh, sweet.
New Jersey day?
It's supposed to be Arizona day, Lloyd.
The cilantro didn't come in, sir.
The chef had to improvise.
Is Senator Armiston lunching alone?
I believe so, sir.
I'll tell you what, Lloyd,
send her a bottle of Chateau La-dee-dah with my compliments.
You choose the brand.
Very good, Senator.
Okay, we'll get all this banged out, Senator,
and you should be good to go for the markup tomorrow.
Whoa. You sure, Josh?
There's a lot of changes.
It'll be a long night.
And is your girlfriend okay with that?
Oh, we broke up a while back, sir,
partly over the long hours.
Oh, what were some of the other issues?
The usual: Not buying food, skipping showers,
texting during sex.
Guilty.
That's crazy, huh?
You need to find yourself a lady who understands our world.
Senator, the debate. Should I come back?
No, no, no. We're good here.
Oh, hey.
You like hiking, tennis? Any outdoor sports?
Well, not really, Senator. No time.
Why?
No reason. Just curious.
Okay.
The debate. What, what, what?
Okay, so your numbers took a hit for friending Obama,
so we can't duck the debate anymore.
But if you do a one-on-one with Captain Clem,
he'll pick up some legitimacy.
Captain Clem.
We need to go full clown car on his ass,
let the whole field debate
so he gets lost in the freak show.
How does that help my numbers?
Well, first, you'll look like the only statesman on stage.
Second, no matter how insane the fringies appear,
they'll peel some votes away, most likely from Captain Clem.
It's worth the risk.
I'm liking it. When do we start prep?
Oh, you won't need prep, sir.
You just stand there and enjoy the show.
Are you kidding me?
What is he up to, Lloyd?
I'll inquire, Senator.
Thank you.
She thinks you're up to something, Senator.
I am up to something, Lloyd. Comity.
- Comedy, sir? - Com-I-ty.
It means "getting along with the other side".
Come on, you can chaperone.
Esteemed colleague,
may I be good enough to join you for lunch?
Oh, actually, I have...
I'm the chaperone, Senator.
Well, make yourself useful and open that sucker.
What are you having, Carly?
You're not going away, are you?
Nope.
Lloyd, does that vino go good with Sloppy Joes?
Fuck!
Jesus, Louis, don't these things ever pay out?
On occasion.
But may I point out to you, Saul,
that you're playing with my quarters?
- What's your vig, Louis? - Vig?
Yeah, vigorish, vigorish. Your juice.
How loose are the slots?
My slots are... Moderately loose.
Can we talk about the girls?
There's nothing to talk about.
They'll never walk. They don't have the balls.
And if they do strike, we'll just fly in Mexican scabs,
put them in blond wigs.
No one will know the difference.
Yeah, I think I would know the difference, Saul.
Besides, the culinaries
are threatening to go out with them.
Great! We've been meaning to break that union.
It's on our to-do list.
Why do you care so much about showgirls, Louis?
You doing one of them?
Me?
Why? Is that what people are saying?
That I'm doing a showgirl?
Not that I know of.
But they could be saying it.
Interesting.
Yeah! I beat you!
Goddamn piece of junk.
Give it up, bitch.
Look, Louis, we get it.
If you avert the strike and keep the strip open,
you look like a big hero, saving jobs,
helping the economy and even your own campaign.
But you got one problem.. We don't give a damn.
Nope, we don't give even the tiniest flying fuck.
So, you help the unions, you're dead to us, Louis.
We'll switch our support over to that homicidal rancher.
Ha! The house eats shit.
You know, they got off to a really rocky start.
Like, after the initial visit to the White House,
tip went around telling everybody
how shockingly dim Reagan was.
But somehow, they were able to get past that,
and they became fast friends.
Yeah, there's a whole book out
about that now by Howard Fineman.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
So, much as I hate to wake the chaperone,
I really think we should give them
their dining room back.
You're right. Lloyd?
Sir.
Check and a doggy bag for Senator Armiston.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, Gil John.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
In the spirit of comity.
I must say, you seem very composed...
Oh.
Given what you must be going through today.
Am I going through something today?
Well, the video,
you beating the soldier in Afghanistan.
I-I am amazed that you aren't more rattled by the uproar.
Oh, dear.
So here's the deal, Senator.
I'm not really about taking pictures.
She's not.
Then what are you about?
Mapping souls.
I know.
I know it sounds totally pretentious,
but trust me, it sells magazines.
It does. Dirty commerce.
There, she said it.
You loving the fill? Too much? Too little?
Take it down 10%.
Mm. Such a good choice. So brave.
Anyway, I need to understand your narrative, Senator.
You know, what kind of a journey you're on.
He's on a journey to the White House.
Okay.
It's a little over-the-top, but I can work with it.
I'm not sure what my next move is, Julie.
The Watt brothers are just such awful human beings.
You can't imagine.
Oh, I can, sir.
Saul cornered me at the last CPAC dinner.
It wasn't pleasant.
Oh, that's right. You took one for the team.
I hope that stain came out.
Oh, it did, sir. I used salt, like you suggested.
I wonder if they have any regulatory issues.
They must, right? Who chairs labor?
Oh, wait. That's Rosie, right?
Yes, sir.
Louis, got a minute?
- Actually, Robert, I... - Just on our way to a meeting.
Thought we'd swing by and say hell...
Hey, Julie.
You know Josh Steinberg, don't you?
Counsel, foreign relations?
- No, I don't. - Now that's a surprise.
I mean, you two have so much in common.
It's nice to meet you, Julie. I've heard a lot about you.
Why would that be?
Because you, Julie, are a pistol,
always working long into the night, like Josh here.
Well, speaking of work, we'd better get moving.
A lot to do. Louis, talk to you soon.
Nice to meet you, Julie.
Senator Bettencourt.
Yes?
You do know I'm gay, right?
What?
No, no, Julie. I did not know that.
Thanks for the heads up, Louis.
Wait a minute. You play for the other side?
- Mm-hmm. - You know, I am a busy man.
I did nine interviews here.
Next time, check. Would you, please?
My apologies, Julie.
Back to the drawing board.
No, I...
You can't be gay. You're too attractive.
No. I'm not feeling this, Senator.
Feeling what?
I'm playing with the idea of how we never really know
the people who run for President,
but it's not happening.
I mean, it's there, but it's not.
I was just thinking that. There, but not really.
Maybe if we go outside.
Maybe something with the limo. Maybe on the limo.
Uh-oh. I like where you're going.
- Great direction. - No. No.
It's too similar to the Sarah Palin spread.
You're right. Not fresh enough.
Okay, you know, Maggie...
I don't know if you've noticed,
but my Senator, he's a very handsome man.
Can't you just do a... I don't know, a classic pose?
"Classic"?
Take the van to party depot. I will text you a list.
Okay, everybody, let's reset. We're doing this.
Doing what?
I'm gonna take your picture.
- Rosie, just coming to see you. - Hey, Louis.
You got a moment?
Of course, darling. What's up?
I got a problem with the Watt brothers.
Who doesn't?
What are those two scamps up to now?
The Vegas showgirls are trying to organize.
The Watts are threatening to fire them all,
which will shut the city down.
You got anything going on in committee?
Actually, we do.
We're looking into violations
of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act in Macau.
The Watts are big players there.
But we're just starting the investigation.
Hearings are a long way off.
Think you could speed things up?
I could say I'm considering it.
Fantastic.
I'll swing by and get you later.
We'll make a call and scare the crap out of them.
Sounds like a fun little project, Louis.
Thanks for thinking of me.
What happened to the limp?
Didn't you have a limp this morning?
Oh!
Coach! Coach!
How the hell did that get out?
It's a mystery, darling.
Oh, wait, I know.
You beat up that young man in front of a crowd.
Well, there are at least six videos out there,
so folks get to see the physical abuse from all angles.
Jesus R. Christ, it's like the Clemson game all over.
Only worse.
There's no hurricane to distract everyone.
- And then there's the Internet. - Okay.
Okay, it's out there.
The question is, what do we do?
I have a recommendation, ma'am.
- What? - You mean "sir".
Yes, of course. I mean, sir.
I think you should go on one of those entertainment shows.
Hmm.
You can apologize for your abhorrent behavior,
and then you can joke about it to humanize yourself a bit.
I don't need to humanize myself.
- I'm plenty human. - Great idea.
Would you like me to set something up, Mrs. Biggs?
- No. - Yes.
Let's try for that fun morning show,
the one with Kelly Ripa.
- Oh, Christ. - Oh, that is a great idea.
Her co-host, he was a professional athlete,
and that is someone you can relate to.
- I don't need someone to re... - Okay, that's settled.
Tammy, darling, book us on Kelly, would you?
We're gonna fix this mess.
I am sorry, but this makes the cover.
No way this isn't a cover shot.
Hey, Rosalyn. What do you think?
I think life is about choices, Andy.
Yours are incomprehensible.
Veni, vidi, vici, baby.
Gaul is divided into three parts.
That was Caesar, Andy. Caesar wasn't a Senator.
So what? He went the distance.
- Then he was stabbed to death. - Excuse me.
People, we're trying to work here.
Closed set, people. Thank you.
Oh, Christ. It's Louis again.
Fucking Louis.
I bet he's on the showgirls still.
Hey, Louis, if this is about the showgirls,
you can forget it.
The union's not gonna happen.
Don't be so sure, Shelly.
You know about Senator DuPeche's
corrupt practices probe, right?
Well, apparently, it's on a fast track,
and your Macau operation
seems to be of particular interest.
Macau?
What about fucking Macau?
My brother wants to know, what about fucking Macau?
What a coincidence. So does Senator DuPeche.
That's why you'll be looking at subpoenas
as soon as you get back to Las Vegas.
That is fucking bullshit!
Oh, here. I'll let her confirm in person.
She's on speakerphone.
Mr. Watt. Rosalyn DuPeche here.
We are so looking forward to having you and your brother
come speak to my committee under oath.
Give me a break, Louis. That isn't DuPeche.
That's your fucking housekeeper.
Actually not.
My housekeeper has a charming Croatian accent,
whereas Senator DuPeche... does not.
Anyway, it hardly matters, because either way,
you're getting served.
He's threatening to pull a subpoena out of DuPeche's ass.
Can you fucking believe this guy?
- I fucking can't. - Gentlemen, please.
Your coarse language isn't helping.
All I'm saying is that if you let the girls organize,
I might use my influence with Senator DuPeche to...
To sniff out robbery in other jurisdictions.
Holy cow! You hear that, guys?
I think I just heard the Senator offer you a stay of execution,
giving you lots of time to get lawyered up and fix your books.
What do you say?
Okay, it's a deal. And fuck you very much.
Yeah, fuck you very much, Louis, you...
Wow. Amazing, Louis.
Those two potty mouths are supporters of yours?
Mm. Nevada's a rough state, Andy.
You should hear the guys who hate me.
Kelly, losing control like that,
beating on one of our young heroes,
it's just hard to explain.
I mean, I've been working on my triggers, I really have.
But every once in a while, something just sets me off.
I can relate, Senator. I really can.
Believe me.
Like when my husband cracks his knuckles before lovemaking,
I just totally blow a gasket.
How about you, Michael?
Anything ever set you off on the playing field?
You ever just explode?
No, I can't say I ever have.
- Give me a break, dude. - I'm serious.
I mean, there were times I had to prove a point,
but I always helped the guy off the ground.
I don't get triggered like that.
It's just not in my DNA to, like, go off.
Senator, a moment ago... Let's just switch gears...
You said that your behavior
toward that soldier in Afghanistan
was unforgivable.
- No, I didn't. - Well, it was.
But no worries, because here to forgive you in person,
home on leave, is Sergeant First Class Mel Axelrod.
Sergeant, come on out.
Senator, it's good to see you again.
Thank you. Welcome home.
Thank you for your service.
Well, Senator, I believe Sergeant Axelrod has something
very special he would like to share with you.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry, sir.
There's a lot of respect for you in the unit,
and when the guys sent home those videos,
none of us ever dreamed they'd be used against you.
Wow. I mean, how great is that?
You beat up Sergeant Axelrod,
yet he is the one apologizing to you.
Come on, how about a hug, guys?
I see a hug happening. Come on! Come on!
Come on, give him a hug!
Now, there's more.
As if that weren't a special enough moment,
let's bring out Mel's commanding officer
and former Tar Heels star, Colonel Leland Grimmel.
Yeah! Whoo-hoo!
How you doing, Colonel? Good to see you.
- How are you? - Hello, Colonel.
- Hey, good to see you. - Great to see you.
Great to see you, coach. Huh? Mwah!
- Aww. - No hard feelings.
Y'all can't have all the fun. Let me get some of this.
Aw, can I get in on some of this?
Hey! How about some getting me in?
Oh, my gosh!
Look who it is, everybody.
Senator Biggs.
It is Maddie Biggs.
Senator Biggs' wife, ladies and gentlemen.
- My goodness. - I'm so proud of him.
I'm so proud.
Whoo!
Well, as you know, Crystal,
I had unusual access to Senator Laffer
as Walter Reed Bureau Chief during his convalescence,
and I never saw this side of him.
So you never saw this side of him?
No.
I mean, I knew he could take a punch.
He took a pretty good shot from the Taliban.
But to go toe-to-toe with Las Vegas casino operators,
that takes some big ones.
Some big ones. You mean "balls".
What? I can say that now.
Yes. And it's been a game-changer
in our Reno Post-Tribune tracking poll.
We are now predicting
that Senator Laffer will defeat Al Hickok handily.
It's an amazing comeback story.
Yes, it is, Shelby.
Yes, it is.
We'll be back with more after this.